Core wound thoughts like I am not enough or I am unloved can deeply affect how we live our lives and make choices around career, friendship, health, and love. If you are someone struggling with this type of belief, know that it is actually a trauma response rather than a personality trait...and these thoughts can be changed! It is especially easier when we are younger to shift these neurons, but as adults we can do it too; it just takes a bit more tenacity and consistency to reprogram things. Here are a few things you can do:
- Find a therapist who works with attachment trauma and is able to do some type of reprocessing.
- Find your allies. Allies are people who can support you. They are people you trust, and each one may be able to support you in different ways. Be honest with them in what happens for you and ask for their help. Asserting your needs with them already calls out the behavior, rather than having it be shrouded in secrecy. It may feel scary to be honest in this way, but you might be surprised in how people are able to show up and support you in your journey towards authenticity and joy.
- Find a sense of community. This is a collective group of like minded individuals in some capacity. It has been shown that strong communities fare better not just in physical health, but also mental health. You could belong to many different communities; perhaps a group related to what your going through, such as a therapy group; a sport community; a spiritual community; or your chosen family.
- Examine these core wounds. Note what your triggers are. Get a sense of what you feel in your body when it is happening. When you see the thought come up, tell yourself the opposite: for example, if the thought “I need this person to love me” comes up, replace it with “I love myself deeply.” Try to generate the feeling of this love within yourself.
Like any new muscle you are working out, this will feel very difficult at first. Then it will get easier, and sometimes it will become hard again. It's all a normal part of healing, so just keep up the work, and over time it will shift.